I Hate Being Vulnerable {Week 47}

We're running out of autumn. Fortunately, winter is my 2nd favourite season so the next few months will be amazing anyway. Where I live it barely goes below zero so it's honestly not that cold... there's no snow for example. Trying to act like I don't care, I'm really resisting the urge to give into childish grumpiness that there's no snow...

I didn't have a particularly busy week but I did get a few things out of the way which was pretty good, I like to celebrate my most minute victories. For any planner-heads, I've been trying out a little different thing: I've added some lines to make it easier to keep track of the to-dos. We'll see if it yields any results.

Week 47.

Monday I had a meeting with a social worker who was supposed to reach out to ME but due to some very recent changes in the law they were no longer responsible for handling my case. No one told me that however. I feel like a child of divorce... totally left out of the conversation. It's alright, we sorted it all out but I'm back to waiting. I have to find the courage to go to our local big box store and ask them about the night shift job and if there's any available slots. That would be the dream...

Caught!

On Tuesday my period started in the middle of the night but luckily my brother was still awake so he got me all my meds and a hot water bottle/bag, whatever those things are called. It's like the only pain relief that works. Sometimes I wish I just had some sort of communication channel with my body, like an emergency button on a train: I'm not ever having a baby! Give it up! Anyway, here's my cats being nice to each other.

On Wednesday we finally finished Dead Space. It's so so good. It's one of the many games I tried when I was a small child and never finished either because I was too scared or just really bad at the game. But I really love a lot of about the way the game is designed: the Ishimura, Isaac's RIG, the easy way to know where to go via the guidance system, the political-religious intrigue, and loads of other stuff. It goes so gradually and perfectly from survival horror with monsters to being trapped in a psychological and mystical terror beyond the human comprehension. Fuck, it's a damn good game! I have to pick up the remake while it's on sale on Steam.

On Thursday I kept suffering... but I lived! Friday was way better and my friend V's birthday. I texted her but she still hasn't texted me back. She does that a lot but I'm getting a little worried for her as she's been having issues switching jobs since this summer. 

On Saturday, Tom's mum, Natalie drove with us to a thrift store that we've never been to. It's a little bigger and totally indoors, kind of what I imagine a Goodwill is like. The prices were a little higher than what I usually like but it still wasn't that crazy. I picked up a bunch of really cute stuff (I'll be posting about it on finnymemo soon) and we had a good time with Natalie, chatting it up in French. I took pics of stuff I liked but forgot to take pics of the actual store... for next time! At home we watched Didi which everyone enjoyed which meant my brother had to make us watch something ass and probably involving Ryan Gosling. So we started The Gray Man.

On Sunday we had a pretty relaxing morning finishing The Gray Man and doing some serious French vocab study. I'm running military drills on these bozos known as my family who are not expanding their vocabulary.

A fella we're feeding.

Later in the day my friend Tom came over and I'm afraid that we have now finally cemented our friendship for all eternity in a very bizarre way that means a lot to me ... he has seen my website...and my art. I really, really, really hate showing people I know in real life my web presence, with a few exceptions. I don't have a good reason... but part of it is that I'm scared they won't get it or they'll judge me for being so late into my 20s and being so bad at everything I do. When I tell people I'm an illustrator I'm always afraid that they have someone much more talented in mind than who I turn out to be. So, I showed him some of my art and I was so anxious the entire time he was there and when he left and my reaction felt pretty stupid. Can't help myself though.

We were in my room in the first place because we needed to get a version of Diablo 3 that worked and since we were waiting so long for the download he asked to see my art and whatever. I don't think I ever voluntarily show my art to people until I'm asked and recently I've been even hesitant when asked. It's weird! Because when it comes to posting into the void, or even to people I know online, it feels like there's a layer of understanding that is automatic so I post shit willy-nilly. But if a person I can see with my own eyes asks... I'm fully frozen. Petrified. Basically, I just can't believe what stuff I'm over and have no reaction to and what stuff leaves me so vulnerable and grossed out by myself. Wack!

I don't know how to feel about any of it... he was his usual self, I'm sure it was just me being weird. I think it's a really normal thing, to show people you know your work or hobbies, but to me it feels like an interrogation. I guess in a way it's good that this hurdle is behind me. 

In more news, I've been obsessed with this clip/AMV made for Dead Space 3 with Deftones' Tempest. The part where Isaac comes out from behind the crashed ship and the burning fire pops into the corner of the screen just as the drums and guitars kick into high gear? Better than sex. I have missed the classic 2008-2012 YouTube AMV madness that used to be all the rage and this really felt like a piece of that.

Anyway, that's it for this week. Some more exciting things planned soon, hopefully I will figure out how to make OG Xbox games work on my 360 and eventually I may also figure out the issue with the 1 install, 1 play discs as well. It's been a hassle. I feel like I may make a whole guide that's like, "So you have a Winchester 360... Here's how to play all the games."

Goodbye.

This Week I'm Excited For...

Next week, on Thursday, will be my grandma's birthday. It sucks to celebrate it without her here but we'll still call her and see who she had over, what kind of food she had, and all that.

Song Of The Week...

Since I've been listening to it non-stop this week, the song of the week is Tempest by Deftones. I just... I just fucking love Koi No Yokan, I don't care if it's not their best album, it's my favourite. Sure, you heard it in the clip above but it's shorter and pretty low quality. So have another listen here: