When the month starts on a Monday? Absolute perfection! I don't particularly believe in the Christmas spirit but if there's one thing I love about December it's that everyone really mellows out. Even if it's a little.
Almost like people don't really have the urge to get mad, annoyed, frustrated with you like they would on a regular day. This isn't true for everyone, but I like it when I see it. Otherwise, we've also got to decorating this week and the tree looks amazing! Please observe our skills and result later in the post.
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| Week 49! |
Now, before we get down to the weekly shenanigans, I have to warn you, the top part of this post is very clogged. Clogged with a rant, a tangent, a real monologue on something that has been churning in my brain throughout what I want to say is this week, but in reality, is probably more like the last five years.
Irony! What is it? I used to throw it around incorrectly all the time. I would say everything was ironic because some Homestuck character in 2012 said it a lot or something and somehow that became part of my thing too. I will also confess that I unironically (I know what the word means now, thanks) also sent messages to friends formatted with Sollux's typing quirk, the double 'i's all over the place were deeply pleasing to me. And at some point in time, I didn't actually just learn what the word meant, it's more like I saw it happen in real time.
Irony poisoning. A hyper online term itself that I'm also apparently using wrong. Originally, it meant a very specific thing: edgy people making offensive, racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted jokes ironically so often, they started to treat them more as the truth. Scary. However, when I say irony poisoning, it's something perhaps less severe but much more prevalent. Because it's the death of sincerity.
I think if you've been online at any point in the 2020s (likely this discourse is even older than that) I'm sure you already know what's up. It is wrong... no! Even worse, it is cringe, to have genuine feelings about things that lead to you expressing said honest feelings in the public sphere. It's a very weird dichotomy to exist in: cringe is dead but also everything is cringe if you do it wrong. No, really. Take anime. In my day, being a weeb in an capacity was a crime punishable by death if you're lucky and intricate social humiliation if people really hated you. Now, anime is a mainstream hobby (though maybe it is too now on a downswing). Even when we progress, accepting an interest as normal, the criticism for people partaking in the interest knows no bounds. You can't cosplay, that's cringe. You can't be too loud, too excited, too earnest. That's cringe. You can't analyze and critique the media as if it's Shakespeare, it's not that deep. That is cringe!
Not to mention that certain people calling some 'weird' behaviors red flags, cringe, or stupid are just being hateful to people who are neurodivergent. How many behaviors that are just a part of neurodivergent life or are related to how some neurodivergent people express themselves are automatically labeled cringe and looked down upon for no real reason? The list is endless.
You can make your craft or your art or your fiction but if you are passionate about it you are cringe. If you're confident, you're cringe. If you're shy and weird, you're cringe. If you started a hobby too young, you're cringe. If you started it too old, you're even more cringe. If you care deeply about things... well, you know. Okay, I'll mix it up: you're a try-hard.
I'm a frequent offender. I remember seeing a screenshot of a post where an artist posted some work of theirs with a caption that read 'wait, I kind of ate tho...' and that shit made me mad. Something about Gen Z slang plus confidence made my brain glitch. I know. Why? Why the fuck would I get mad? That's so childish. But it's the way a lot of people react to seeing someone else be assured of their craft, even if, especially if, they are not perfectly proficient in it. I sit here on my little fucking high chair of bullshit and hypocrisy, brewing a speech about how all art is good art (except AI art, that is one fucking high horse you will not be knocking me off of) and then I turn around and seethe at someone who dares show genuine pride. It makes me kind of sick to think about it now.
After all, it's my own choice to be miserable and hate my work and have no confidence in it. Being that way makes my experience of my art worse. It's not all I feel for my art but sometimes I do. And people who chose to be eager about their own work, well, they skip all that. So, who's really winning? It's not me.
But it's not just hobbies. It's down to our core. Do you really care about things? Is your personality eccentric, strange, annoying, or something? Do you cry easily? I have bad news for whoever that is. It's me.
I feel a lot of shame for how easily I cry. This is a story I tell a lot but sometime in 2017 I went to the cinema by myself for a really early screening of the Last Jedi. I kinda hated Force Awakens but I also used to go to the cinema every week, sometimes multiple times a week. God bless Budapest student pricing. Anyway, it was me and one other guy, this is weeks after the premiere. I knew it wouldn't be good but since I was too young to go see the OG trilogy or the prequels in cinema, I'm damn sure gonna make it to all the Star Wars films in theaters now. I sit, I kind of feel off in general. Ads are playing... and suddenly a Toyota ad zooms by me, high definition, surround sound. It's not even that really emotional ad where a dad gets his daughter a car and shit. Just the very banal landscape, car go fast, and the such. But something inside me started that would not end until I was in that red-padded, excruciatingly lit exit hall that lead me back to the cinema's ticket booths.
I just started crying. And then Leia died and then Luke died. And I was just crying the whole time. I still hate the Last Jedi, I think it's a total mess tonally and the character arcs don't exist. But you know what? I wasn't sitting there watching it like a shitpost, laughing at the stupidly written scenes of terrible tragedy, thinking what kind of witty review or summary I could whip up for my friends on Monday. As bad as it was, I was taking it very seriously. I was really mourning my version of Star Wars.
I know what you're thinking. Touch grass, talk to a girl, take a shower, you fucking cringe-lord! I'm willing to be this vulnerable for a second but even this stupid joke is a layer of irony that I'm having a hard time shrugging off. No one wants to be disliked but no one wants to be ridiculed even more.
In the constant escape from cringe, even the passive kind where you say 'haha, yeah, I'm cringe!' as a defense, you begin to lose not only joy but actual parts of your personality. When everything you like is acceptable, when the way you behave is expected and approved, you're not really a person. Or, you're definitely not yourself.
Let me get overly complicated and convoluted. This is a very strange process I saw in myself and many others both online and in real life, I'm sure it has a real cool name in psychology that I don't know. In moments of solitude, you begin the analysis of yourself. There are no active external forces telling you anything about your personality or behavior as you are totally alone in this moment. And within this process, there is almost a division of yourself. You the analyst and You the analyzed. You the analyst is reason and convention, you can distinguish cringe and therefore cannot be caught doing something cringey. You the analyzed, often from a position of the past whereby you are incapable of change, are kind of like a jester. You didn't know better, you did cringey things, you liked cringey things. Because You the analyst is now wiser you can look down upon You the analyzed. The You that dishes out judgement is the superior and true You.
However, as the one doing the judging, you're actually performing as the outside perspective. You literally take on the role of the people who bully others, who accuse people of cringe, who hate and fear sincerity. You don't perceive things as inherently cringe until it is taught to you. Much like Margaret Atwood said, you are your own voyeur, just not in regard to gender this time.
Which one is the real you? The one that is informed by the societal do's and dont's or the one that engaged in some form of sincerity, be it cringe or not? Being the first is more comforting, it's the acceptable choice, it's the choice for which you would be praised. Your irony would be popular. On the other hand, the second, is the truth. You can twist it, you can re-mold it, you can't kill it.
So I say death to irony. I've been plagued by it for way too long. Do you know how any creative project happens with me around? I have a grand idea, or a small but tempting idea, I am totally enamored by it. Privately of course, I never share that I think I came up with a good idea with others for fear of being perceived as an arrogant idiot. I begin developing characters, worlds, plot points, art styles, motifs, foreshadowing, and more. This is the most technical time, when I try something and throw it out in 9 cases out of 10 until I finally come to something I like. At some point, I meet with the biggest mountain that I almost never even dare climb: the heart of the thing. The message. The most important, most saturated, most direct core of why this specific comic, game, art piece matters. I need to answer that question sincerely.
And I can't. I start overthinking it, I start thinking what other people will think of what I'm thinking. This thing is too shallow, this is too derivative, it's way too obvious, it's boring, it's corny, it's nonsense, it's too goofy, it's too serious, it's too radical, it's too ineffectual, it's too fake, it's too honest.
In the end we'll never know. Because now I'm too afraid to find an answer. The project gets stale and I work on it indecisively. I let it sit on the back burner, sometimes coming back to it, often actually, but never making any significant progress. So who's really winning?
It's pretty awesome to love something wholeheartedly. Even when a lot of people have endless commentary. I have a YouTube video essay playing in the background when I work, the quality varies, and often I hear YouTubers say something that sounds conclusive and certain based only on the vague general public opinion. Such as how bad a movie is that they never saw themselves. Literally this phrase: "It's very bad but I don't know, I haven't seen it". I'm literally so guilty of this too but it's the worst! How can you have an opinion if you haven't seen it? I don't mean boycotting a movie for very good reasons, I mean saying a movie is bad as a fact when you haven't even seen it. I will not be watching Wuthering Heights with Margot Robbie. Do I think it will suck? Yes. Does that mean it certainly, without a doubt sucks? No!
When Verity, based on a Colleen Hoover book that I know I won't like so I won't read, comes out, I will go see it. I will go see it because I love Josh Hartnett but I won't be cringing. I'm going to watch it the way it was made to be watched, as a very genre-specific thriller romance. Even if I don't like it, I'm not gonna let irony ruin it for me. My distaste will be brutal and a hundred percent organic.
I guess if there's anything practical to take away from this is that you shouldn't be afraid to be genuine. It will be hard but you should try. I can promise that at least I won't judge you. It's one thing I started getting better at ever since I quit social media years and years ago. I almost never left negative comments on people's posts anyway, but now I tend to think them less too. You can't actually kill cringe, you'll cringe at others and yourself a lot. But I guess before you start saying ironic things about how bad you are at something or how trash your taste is, just think about what you really feel. And if you feel confident, or proud, or happy, or eager, don't lose that.
Alright, essay over. Onto my regular blogging.
Monday, Monday, Monday. A funny thing happened where both my sister's internship at the Thai restaurant (they have a thing here where middle schoolers go and 'work' somewhere for a week) and my mum's job training at the hotel fell on the same week. This resulted in hectic schedules for everyone and some funny situations.
I mostly did cooking and some updates to my site throughout the week. I started my tea advent and was disappointed to learn that it was not 24 unique flavours but actually 24 bags with only 6 flavours. Ah well, at least it's still tea.
The first flavour was Spicy Apple Orange which was not bad but a little weak, I was hoping for a bit more richness. I had it with a brownie.
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| Let the sampling begin! |
On the way to the grocery store I saw the coolest looking clouds: a vivid red streaked though the clouds! Like a gash! Probably a bad omen or something.
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| Wizard shit. |
Otherwise, I was looking at a bunch of digital advent calendars and writing my own. I've been really loving petrapixel's advent about digital decluttering. Day 1 was all about clearing the desktop, I even swapped out my wallpaper and taskbar. Ever since we played Halo CE and Halo 2, I've been so into early 2000s CG. It's the perfect amount of surreal.
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| So serene to me... |
On Tuesday I tried the Almond Cherry tea which was actually very nice but a little too much on the almond and not enough cherry. I had it with this cookie-muffin hybrid that was so good. I only had half not because I didn't want more but it was so filling I couldn't do that to myself...
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| Tea time! |
The declutter task for Day 2 was unsubscribing from YouTube channels I don't watch. Since I don't have the recommendations, autoplay, or the home page enabled, I only watch stuff linked to me or from my subscriptions. I unfollowed a bunch of channels I didn't go to often and kept those I still like but I still have something like 40 channels that I subscribe to which feels like a lot but I'm not sure.
Wednesday was my sister's day off from her internship but my mum was working through the whole week. A high school kid is also doing job training at the hotel, so the two trainees they have are a woman in her 50s and a 16-year old which is funny to me. She's not loving the place as of now so she may call it quits after the training week.
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| I'm also really loving the candle. |
Today I had just a black tea, it was very nice and I had it with a milk bread. Just simple and pleasant. Day 3 of the digital declutter was a browser declutter. I got rid of all the useless extensions and changed my starting page background and Firefox theme. However, I only got through and organized like half of my bookmarks (I have 400 more that are not organized). It was just so much work...
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| Ta-da! |
Thursday was more of the usual. Since we started PLUR1BUS I've tried to manage what TV shows I have and haven't seen but I forgot a bunch of stuff I've watched. Today I had Lavender Bergamot tea and it's probably my favourite one so far, I had it with a milk bread and a beignet.
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| What ails you, my little freeloaders? |
My sister was given a real uniform at the Thai place and they really have her slaving away there. She's actually supposed to just shadow employees during this thing but they straight up have her cutting vegetables, washing dishes, serving food, etc. Eh, good life skills! Plus the first time I had a service job was also when I was about 14. And she even gets free lunch!
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| Child labour... look at this absolute cruelty! |
After everyone got back from their training/internship we finally decorated the tree! We at last got a plastic one, we've been so sick of the live ones because we can't keep them alive properly and they still end up being expensive. My sister banned all the blue ornaments so we only did warm colours and some whites this year.
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| From our Chicago cousins. |
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| From our dad. |
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| She's gorgeous!! |
Day 4 of the digital declutter was one I was dreading: the inbox organization! Guys... I have five emails. Why? I don't know either. But yeah: I have two Gmail accounts and three Proton ones. The Proton ones are for my site, my pixel clique, and my fanlistings. One Gmail one is 'professional' and the other one just is. So, it was a lot of work. First the inboxes at the start:
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| Hooray! |
The first is my main and site email. I use it to join FLs and make some accounts and chat with other web masters. Free Proton accounts only let you have three tags and three folders. Annoying! But I made it work.
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| Victory! |
The CDwORLD one was actually overwhelmed despite appearances because of a form I had for submissions. I've removed the form now so I'll probably start getting more individual emails from here on out.
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| Woohoo! |
Last of the Proton mail's was my fanlisting email, I use that to apply for fanlistings and for when anyone wants to contact me for affiliations or just if there's any issues. This one doesn't get too much action.
That was kind of easy! Oh, shit, it's my Gmail emails...
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| The horror! |
The sad thing was that almost 100% of this clog was ads or promos. I deleted everything and unsubscribed from all that shit I never subscribed to in the first place. Added some tags and a cute background and it was done!
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| Voila! |
Looks much better. It was a pretty busy day.
On Friday we watched the most recent episode of PLUR1BUS, it's so fun to keep up with the show as it's airing. Haven't done that it ages! I did some art, trying to finish the COTY 2026 calendar in time... not sure if I can do it but I'll sure as hell try.
For Day 5 I uninstalled some useless programs, I didn't have many I tend to keep the software stuff sparse. But I did uninstall a bunch of games I didn't think I'd be playing soon like Battlefront and some dumb shit from Epic my brother made me install.
I forgot to make myself tea again this week but I'll sample the last two flavours next week and finish the whole box steadily throughout the month.
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| A gift that keeps on giving. |
On Saturday it was the last day of my sister's internship. They got her dressed up in two incredibly beautiful national Thai outfits and all the old ladies wanted to take pics with her. She could make a job out of this...! Feels like a scam though, she's not even Thai!
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| No old lady can resist! |
For Day 6 I did not install the recommended StayFree app just because I don't think it would really help me. I tried a sort of time tracker before and I always forgot to check in with it. And for blocking access I much prefer LeechBlock, especially on phone where I blocked Tumblr and Reddit because I was wasting so much time there!
I was really feeling the winter vibe ever since we decorated the tree and put fairy lights on our entrance window AND balcony. We are single-handedly lighting up our street.
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| Very cozy. |
On Sunday I wasn't feeling the best so I mostly stayed in my room. I decided to use that time to set up the small TV I got under my bed and see if it's USB port even worked. It did and it plays movies awesome! I still want a DVD player but I've already set up a room cinema for myself and watched two movies. It was so awesome.
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| Weirdly pretty burger I made. |
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| Absolute cinema. |
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| He's gotta show up immediately. |
Day 7 of the declutter advent was called 'Anti-Stalker' and was about googling your full legal name and seeing what comes up and possibly getting rid of it. I have a sort of rare name so what came up first was stuff actually about me but it was an article from my university about my graduation film, so something I'm okay with leaving up. Otherwise, I'm mostly safe.
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| Week 49. |
This Week I'm Excited For...
Probably for all the gifts to arrive so I can pack 'em up and put 'em under the tree. You may ask... ordering gifts in DECEMBER? That late? Yes, I had no money all month, okay?! Most of them should arrive on time... I hope.
Song Of The Week...
I found the most incredible album this month: Emergence by Trifonic, a total no-skips masterpiece. There's also so little information about the album or the band online. It's trip-hop electro goodness, mostly instrumental but with four songs with vocals that are just amazing. If you listen to the whole thing and prefer instrumental tracks you have to listen to Emergence, Infiltration, and Vacuum Tree. The tracks with vocals are so beautiful, with two done by Amelia June, Sooner or Later by Cristina Courtin, and Good Enough by David Forest. All are gorgeous and haunting. It was so hard to pick just one song but I had to go with Lies this time. It's something about the reverberating vocals in the chorus as Amelia June sings 'you and I...'.
