A Wish {2025 Week #23}

Hello there. This week has been busy, but in a good way. On Monday I read a lot. During class I took a mock B2 exam that I passed. But I don't feel ready for B2 at all. Once I got home I had a look at what was going on this entire day while I was out. 

My mum, brother, and our family friends, Monique and Noel were setting up the new staircase that will lead to the third floor so we don't have to use that annoying trapdoor thing anymore. And so we can finally start work on the third floor!

I helped where I could but they had it mostly covered and I cleaned the place up when everyone was done. The stairs look awesome and we can just walk up there like normal people now.  

Ta-da!

On Tuesday my train was super late but when I did get to the next town I was reading again. I finished That Was Then, This Is Now. Tragic as hell. It doesn't even have a reflective and optimistic finale like the Outsiders. Still, it was very good. Class was good but I was struggling because we were doing listening comprehension which is my Achilles heel. At home I relaxed and browsed some internet archive pages. I came across a picture of some friends on a train on some long forgotten blog and it made me super bittersweet. I miss hanging out with my friends in the city. All my closest friends are far away.

Feeling weird things this Wednesday. It might feel like all of us here in the new indie web/old web revival or even using these seemingly outdated blogs are trapped in self-feeding nostalgia. It does get me a little worried, I was especially put to thinking when I was on Proletarian Library's site and read one of their thoughts: 'Will you stand to strive for a favorable future or will you continue to consume a cherry-picked past?'. Are we really no better than people who are caught up with idolizing the past on more popular platforms? I'd be a liar if I said I was immune to complaining that I liked things better before and I'm not even talking about the 1990s and early 2000s when I was not even a part of the world or was very young. I've only been around since 1999 after all. I mean I think the days when I was more or less a fully realized person with opinions, my coming of age years that were 2011-2017. I miss them.

So, I'm no stranger to the futile gaze backwards, wishing to somehow recapture some of that magic. But the truth is that the things we're chasing have long been buried, it's not the movies, the music, or the lifestyles, it was just the ease of existing when you do things for the first time. When you see them for the first time. Even the bad experiences, they were so stark, you felt everything so strongly, so integrally. It made life seem like it had purpose and although I don't believe that there is any inherent purpose to anything, it feels good to want things and to chase them. I thought I would be a real art star when I was fourteen, I'm not sure what I had pictured exactly, but I thought I would be some kind of animated series guru, a great illustrator. I don't think that anymore. It's not just my lack of artistic skill, I just run into so many stages of stagnation. I write, then I doubt myself. I draw, then I have to compare. Even worse, I have to verify with so many outside sources before I feel confident in an idea. I used to just have paper and a pencil as my sole resources. 

You don't have to be an artist to feel these things. For anyone of us who's straining for peeks of the past likely felt an incredible drive at one point, no matter how intense or long it was. Then things got worse, not entirely because we grew up, but because the world became more isolated (yes, even before the pandemic), things got so unattainable and costly, and aggression of a conservative nature further made the world feel like a really desolate place. 

Getting mired in nostalgia can de dangerous, you won't be making anything, you won't be helping anyone or yourself, and you'll always be waiting for something. I guess what I really want is to wish for stuff. I don't mean to hopelessly standby and wait for things to get better without action. I'm talking about catering to your innate desire, your good wishes and doing anything, even the smallest things, to inch closer.

So cheesy. I got here because I was thinking of one of my favourite films, Blue Gate Crossing. It is set in Taiwan in the 2000s, a place I've never been. But I have lived in the south of China, in Gaungdong, for most of my life, since 2008, I think. Maybe earlier. So the visuals are painfully familiar to me. The streets, the food stands, the school, the pool. It all makes something click in the brain. But beyond the aesthetics, it stirs something even more raw. There is a scene where Yue-zhen, the friend of the protagonist, says she will write the name of her crush until the pens ink runs out and he'll be bound to fall in love with her. 

I've never actually done anything like that but I've probably done a hundred things in the same vein. With friends, on my own. In my room, there is a light coming in from outside and I'm deeply involved in a moment of contemplation. It's not something I can really put into words but in the simplest terms it's about my comprehension of time. I guess what I feel almost always is that I'm pushing through time, every motion is considered and made, I have at least this autonomy to barrel through the day. But those other instances, it's like I've taken a step to the side, like I'm at a bust stop, a momentary shelter, and time passes me by. It does me a kindness, it doesn't stop but it's like I've been spared for a moment and I don't have to go. It's probably what people feel when they say that it was like time stood still.

I guess that's what I'm chasing, not nostalgia. But it's harder and harder to come by such weird moments. I can't ever feel them coming on and I can't ever guess when they end. They can be triggered by the smallest coincidence or a huge accomplishment. It sounds like I'm making a dig deal out of a very basic thing, such as feelings of euphoria or contentedness, and that could be it. But it feels different. I know that being online, separate from the world, doesn't always help. But it's also not the problem. I get this feeling when I read a blog, browse a site made with passion, or chat with a stranger or mutual. But I get the exact opposite with endless browsing, with ridiculous drama videos that I still somehow get caught up in, or online shopping. 

Taylor Lorenz recently had a video arguing against logging off because it's one of the last bastions of organizing efforts, and that's true, you can get many people on your side and you can also stay informed. But I won't lie, to simply exist on all social media platforms is no better than being totally disengaged. You're crowded with rage bait or with the emphasis of how powerless you are as an individual or a small community. If you're really good at it, you can curate your social media in a way that allows you to be informed, active, and not steamrolled by irrelevant slop. You can organize yourself and others and you can translate those online efforts into real-world results. But don't forget who runs your main methods of communication because the interests of these giants and your interests do not align. It's essential to have other means that can't be manipulated, if not stripped away, by the powerful.

So I am someone who recommends abandoning social media totally. Return to personal and organizational sites. To stay informed, I would much rather look to a platform that is independent and has the primary goal of being an information provider. And for my own fulfillment, I have a myriad of mutuals and internet friends who are incredible people. Whatever your wish is, your draw, your desire, you're not going to find it anywhere but yourself first. Then when you feel ready, you can share with others, you can branch out, you can talk with someone for a long time, deeply. You can also tell me my advice sucks and I'm dumb, because the truth is I'm just as lost as everyone else. That'd be the truth.

What a tangent! I guess I had the mood to write this week. Sorry if this was really boring but I really needed to get it out. Actually in my life, we went to hang out at Tom's today to continue playing Eternal Sonata. He was exhausted from partying it up all of last week so we didn't play too long but we finally made it to chapter 2. I haven't gone anywhere or done anything for Pride this year because I'm tired. I did go to the super early one back in May but that's it. Earlier in the day I also watched Teachers, it was not bad.

Thursday was a glorious day. I finally won. The bank has officially opened my account and I should be getting my card shortly. Finny 1, Bank 0. I honestly thought I'd have more to say about this when the day came but I'm so exhausted by this fight, it literally lasted a year and a half. Who fucking out there takes a year and a half to open an account for someone?! I's done, it's done, it's done... I just have to keep telling myself that.

I finished the cover for the zine I will be releasing later this summer. It took some time but I was pleasantly surprised with how much I liked my own work. Have been using my planner better recently too, unclogging the mind and all that. I kind of fell down a rabbit hole of Hobonichi planners and all that. I already have a planner ready for September 2025-September 2026 but I may wait the few months to 2027 and get a Hobonichi Weeks to test it out myself.

On Friday it was Eid al-Adha so we decided to not have class and just took the homework we'd do over the weekend instead. There's like only 3 of us in class who are non-Muslims so even though they said another teacher could come in we thought it'd be better if everyone got some time off instead. 

On Saturday I called with a bestie from uni, V. She had a bad parting from her old work this week so we talked about that. She really got screwed because she wanted to be paid better after working at the same school for two years, which is totally fair. In the evening we watched the Summer Game Fest, it mostly sucked. There were so many cringe games with female characters in sexy outfits that don't fit the mood or environment of the game at all... or like 100 ass shots for no reason. I can't believe these stupid assholes who are crying about woke games are actually real. 

Every morning...

On Sunday we watched the Xbox showcase and there were very few things that looked good also. The Doublefine game looked good and so did the Moomin one. My brother is mainly excited for the Expanse RPG that will be out way in the future. Honestly it does look fucking amazing. 

That's about all for this week. I didn't pick out a good quiz but hopefully I'll have one next week. I made a summer bucket list on my Dreamwidth otherwise. It has about 30 things I want to try or do this summer. With my usual ambitions, wish me a lot of luck cuz chances are I won't get even 10 done. 

Song of the week Youth Overrided by Cave In. This is a rec from Alice (along with a mix with many excellent tracks). I have actually listened to Cave In before but as usual even when I like a few songs I don't listen to the entire album! Luckily Alice rescued me and now I'm able to enjoy Antenna wholly as I should.