This is it: the last full week of 2024! Can't believe it's all coming to a close so fast. As is expected, it's been a horrible week. Just the plain worst. I take it as it comes. Had the most painful period of recent time which has been grueling. Bank stuff not resolved at all and there's no hopes for anything until after the holidays. I'm a mess. Emotionally, physically, financially. In every which way. I used to have deep phases of self-hatred in high school that were all-consuming. I'd be in one right about now probably. Unfortunately, the intention of nihilism has not been met by many who encounter it and their understanding of the meaninglessness of life led them further into despair instead of out of it. I'm lucky to have been blessed by the absurd and it's my go-to crutch when everything, primarily me, is falling apart. It's probably because I'm very stupid so coping is easier. Sorry, this was a very boring and self-indulgent tangent. We're going to try to stay on-topic here.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ A mysterious Greek deity. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
Monday. Monday was when all my troubles started. I went to Banque de France in order to get all this sorted. Two refusal letters from the bank they sent me to. I get there, met by the most Italian French guy I have yet to see. Shirt unbuttoned like it's still the summer (guy, it's like 6 degrees out there), slicked back hair, and rings. I don't judge people on appearance, but I do judge them on style. This was not looking good for me. He was a polite guy, except the multiple times he said I didn't understand him when I did. He was confused as to why they rejected my temporary ID and letter from Mission Locale but said there isn't much they can do. They'd call.
I went to the station. Agen is awesome because basically everything is on two streets. My train was nearly at noon so I went to the H&M just to browse. Nothing good. My bag beeped when I went out so I freaked out but security didn't come so I just left. I swear I don't steal. But also if I saw someone steal, I didn't. Looked for presents for some friends at a bookstore but didn't find anything. Suddenly, cramps! Intense pain immediately and like a moron I forgot to bring my period bag with me. I waddle to a pharmacy but the line is like 15 people so I go straight to the station. Luckily enough time passed and I hopped onto my train. Did I use toilet paper instead of a pad for the journey? Yeah... but that's just a girl hack, okay!?
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Just some pics of Agen. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
When I got home I went straight to the shower, family was watching a movie. When I got out I asked if I could lie down and if someone could get me a warm bottle. Not gonna lie, I was kinda rude because I was in so much pain. They got offended at that and told me to go upstairs to lie down. I felt super let down and went upstairs to mope there.
Tuesday was not too different because I was still in pain. It was Christmas eve but we don't take it too seriously. My sister had two friends over so they had fun, had a nice dinner, and they watched Twilight. I was working on giving my blog a new look. Ta-da! I really liked the old version but for some reason it wouldn't display all the posts and that annoyed me. Also now other blogger users can follow me if they like and leave comments so that's nice. I started the second Nonary Game game, it sucks! So far it's much worse than the original so I am disappointed.
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˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Took a walk, found birds. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
On Wednesday I was coming out of my period-induced coma at last. The one blessing of it is that at least it only lasts three days. Not that it's gonna matter. I'm never having a baby on the account of being an anti-natalist. I caught up with Chi (the anime set in Poland). Read the last two chapters of Sakamoto Days. I love Shin so much, he's such a great character.
Also! Most importantly, actually! On Thursday, my brother actually ordered a new PC and he said its for me. Mine is within death's reach so it was perfect. He worked super hard to afford it and he also put it together himself, I assisted. When his starts dying I'll probably pay for the same one he ordered for me.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Finally... game play above 10 FPS ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ The desktop guardian. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
I had this 'get to know me' quiz with my answers on the back burner for a while so I thought I may as well leave it in the last entry of the year. Maybe answer it again next year and see what's changed. A little experiment.
The Quiz
✦ What do you do for work?
╰┈➤ I used to do freelance
writing and editing, and er, copywriting. Not gonna lie most of the time
I was doing assignments for university students who'd rather pay money
than sit down and write a couple of pages. I was always not bad at
essays of the social sciences and literature analysis but when it came
to work I also always did the bare minimum.
✦ Tell me about your first kiss.
╰┈➤ I can't remember, I was super young. It was probably really bad, at a sleepover.
✦ What playlists do you have on your phone?
╰┈➤ My most frequently listened to: favourite songs of the 2000s and 90s. I also have Emo/Pop Rock 2000s, Post Rock, and some that are supposed to set the mood for some of the comic projects I have going on.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ 32Leaves, my beloved. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
Do you like cooking or baking more?
╰┈➤ Baking! I love to mix stuff, dump it in the oven, and maybe do a little decorating after. I wish I was always a successful baker but I'm not.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Actually this isn't baking... but doesn't it look picturesque? ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
Guilty pleasures?
╰┈➤ Trashy shows and movies, like America's Next Top Model. I fucking hate Tyra. And most of the girls, besides Heather, are so catty. Yet I still love Jade and she's probably the worst. High school movies of subpar quality are also an essential.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Our exotic biracial butterfly. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
Something you regret.
╰┈➤ Ahaha. A lot. I guess my biggest regret is being such a slacker and not taking everything more seriously. Not working to get a better job, or to be more social. I don't know, there's a lot.
Celebrity crush?
╰┈➤ Currently...probably Rachel Goswell because she's the first to come to mind. I'm not gonna lie I have been crushing on animated people more these days.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Beautiful, talented, extraordinary. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
How many languages do you know?
╰┈➤ I speak English the best, followed by Russian. I have conversational Mandarin and just took my A2 exam for French.
Make a confession.
╰┈➤ I talk a lot about books and reading and stuff in real life... but I haven't read that many books for the past three years. Like I could count them on both my hands.
What's your favorite book?
╰┈➤ Wow. Right after that, huh? It's hard to pick just one but I think I still love Fruitloops and Dipsticks by Ulf Stark the most.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Coming-of-age masterpiece. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
What was your childhood dream job?
╰┈➤ Maybe a fashion designer.
Do you have any pets?
╰┈➤ I have to cats who just turned 1 this year.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Brain Activity: Missing. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
How many siblings do you have? Are you oldest, middle, or youngest?
╰┈➤
I have two, both younger. My brother is only 3 years younger than me
and my sister is a whole 12 years younger. I am the oldest, it sucks...
How tall are you?
╰┈➤ So short. Only 1 meter 60 centimeters. Sorry, Americans are going to have to do math.
What's something you're insecure about?
╰┈➤ Um, everything. I think I am a total fake when it comes to my art. I suck. Like I'm pushing 26 and this is how I draw? It's not a hobby for me, it's my life, and I'm this bad? Does not let me sleep at night.
When is your birthday?
╰┈➤ April 6th, baby on the last year of the last century, 1999. April is a great month so I am grateful for that. Thanks, parents.
Embarrassing memory?
╰┈➤ There was this one guy on an exchange program I was with who was not there for my annoying energy. Every conversation is a grating memory now.
What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought?
╰┈➤ Hm. I am a real cheapskate so that's not easy. Probably my PC. It was going for a thousand bucks fresh out of Hong Kong.
Have you ever had a one night stand?
╰┈➤ No. I don't lead an exciting life.
Have you ever been caught doing the do?
╰┈➤ No, I have not.
A song that evokes a good memory?
╰┈➤
Everything is Alright by Motion City Soundtrack. No specific moment but
I started to listen to them just out of high school and felt at ease
for once. Like the bad times are fading away. That didn't happen but
moments of respite are a comfort.
A song that evokes a bad memory?
╰┈➤ Little Motel by Modest Mouse. This song and the video always make me cry. Cried in an airport with a friend once when we watched it. Imagine someone is bidding you goodbye and that's your last moment together? Embarrassing...
Do you prefer phone calls, facetime, or texting?
╰┈➤ Texting, maybe phone calls. I dislike facetime.
Your favorite pet name from your partner? (baby girl, honey, brat, etc.)
╰┈➤ Nothing. I don't have a partner and I'm not looking.
What's a controversial opinion you have?
╰┈➤ We should not be advocating for inclusion of LGBT+ people or women in places like the police or the army. I'm anti-militarist to the core and think that those establishments as they are now need to be completely dismantled. Some form of crime preventing or investigating body should exist but not with how cops are. Armies should not exist at all. What's the point of making spaces for queer people and women in these godawful places? So they too can kill people? No thanks, we should all be working to take that shit down.
Do you believe in second chances?
╰┈➤ I wish I believed in them more strongly. It's really hard for me to convince myself that certain criminals are redeemable. But despite my personal opinion I support rehabilitation for everyone. In my personal life I'm just as stubborn. If someone seriously wronged me I'm probably not gonna sort it out, I'm likely to pull away and not come back to that relationship.
3 things you love about yourself.
╰┈➤ I love that I am creative. Despite my stinky attitude, I think I'm pretty empathetic. And I do like that I'm not super ambitious.
What is something you are sure you'd NEVER do?
╰┈➤ I'm never doing risky things like climbing Mount Everest, skydiving, or spelunking. Why??
How different is your actual adult self from how you pictured it when you were little?
╰┈➤ Totally different person. I thought I was going to be famous, rich, and in love. Ha. Ha... hah. But I have a lot of compassion for my younger self, the world was putting her through it.
Have you ever met a celebrity?
╰┈➤ I saw Jimmy O Yang at a cafe once but he was rude about another guy that came up to him so I sat there stressed out instead.
Free
Pass! (Ask whatever question you want to know that's not on the list).
My question is: This time next year, what do you wish you were doing?
╰┈➤ This time next year, I wish I could have my own room. I wish I would have a job and a trainee-ship for something like teaching art or English. I wish I was healthier, less migraines, doing some sports, and eating meals from scratch. I wish that my family would be there with me. That my cats are healthy and happy. And I wish for a computer that doesn't lag when I draw!
End of Quiz
Friday I kind of recovered. I finally finished my secret santa drawing for Amy from juicebar. Her doll Cammy is so cute. I gave her a little off-the-shoulder sweater with a bow in the drawing. Everyone did such a great job in general, gorgeous art after gorgeous art. Also decided I need to seriously reduce my YouTube time... it's just such a time-waster... like hours! I have a Firefox add-on that tracks sites by hours spent and it's scary. Maybe its the wake-up call I needed though.
I got up pretty early even though I went to bed pretty late. Like 2AM! I'm old... The friends' with whom we had lunch last Sunday said their kids arrived from the Netherlands. They are my childhood friends. I got them some presents and wrapped them up. Also picked up this cute as hell keychain of Princess Bubblegum. I used to be hater because she was horrible to Flame Princess but now I have a love-hate relationship with her because her scheming is honestly so funny. Also got a small tin box with a cat on it and little mice on the side! So cute! Now, what am I going to put inside?
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˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ "Nope, nope, nope - stop talking, go to jail." ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ And this is where I would put my drugs... if I had any!˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
Actually as I was writing this entry, the friends came by. They liked the presents so I'm glad. They had to leave early but would visit soon. Mum spent time with their mum and her friend for a while. I went to the store to get a USB so we could install Windows on the new PC. It was all ready except we somehow forgot to have a ready USB or keyboard so we couldn't boot it. Because we're dumb. Luckily we got to borrow a keyboard and I got 2 64 GB USBs from the store. They did not have ones with less space, kind of over kill.
Saturday was slower. Monique came by and we had a coffee. My mum left to Bordeaux for someone's birthday really early. Then when Monique left we wanted to watch a movie but somehow went down a rabbit hole of old videos of our childhood town. It was painfully nostalgic. I didn't know how good I had it. I also bought Firewatch and Summerhouse on Steam because the sales were great. We played some Summerhouse on the TV together. My brother made a broke down steak house or something and my sister made a Soviet bloc building she's nostalgic for. Basically everybody is a critic and an architectural aficionado turns out.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ Our terrible set-up. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ White chocolate with sprinkles! ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
On Sunday my childhood friends came over in the evening. We had some cakes and tea and reminisced a lot about the past. School, what we did as bored kids, some gossip. Everyone had a fragment of a memory of some night out and we could paint whole pictures. Crazy. It feels like yesterday that I was eighteen but also feels like a lifetime ago, like a totally different person who I know through someone else. We are expecting some stuff to arrive from China soon. Boxes of our old things. My entire youth in a few boxes. I think I'll actually cry.
The friends also got me some cute gifts. A very pretty dainty bracelet and a notebook that seems to be bound from old paper. It looks so cool I don't even want to write in it. We also caught up on all the episodes of Silo so were waiting for the next ones.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ So cute with my heart bracelet. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ The tomes! The tomes! ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
I'm thinking this is my last entry for the year. Next week is half in the now and half in the future. I don't know what to write in a moment like this. Thanks for being here, if you're reading this blog. In 2024, in 2025, 20 years from now, when I'm dead, who knows. All of it is a mystery and I kind of just revel in it.
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| ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ The chill area. ˚ʚ ☘︎ ɞ˚ |
◀・the end (of 2024) ┆✦ʚ❤︎ɞ✦ ┆week 51・▶
