You're Freaking Me Out {Week 48}

Wow, November's already over? It doesn't feel real! 2026 is only a month away and I haven't gotten anything done at all this year... this decade...er, this entire life, actually. I guess that's something nice that I didn't exactly learn this year, but had it inflicted on me: that getting it all done is a fool's errand. It still makes me totally anxious but I let a lot of things go now, or I take time to do something 'unproductive' guilt-free sometimes. It hasn't exactly fixed things and I'm kind of always stressed out by default but I've also never really been more at peace with who I am right now than at any other point in my life.

Start of the week!

Totally ridiculous start to the week. On Monday morning my mum was going about her day all relaxed when she suddenly went into a total frenzy because she realized that she was running short on time to prepare for a surprise birthday party for our family friend! The friends, a couple, were out in the morning (the wife was distracting the husband who's birthday it was) and closer to lunch they would go to our local hotel-restaurant and have a birthday lunch. And my mum was responsible for putting up all the decorations. Unfortunately, she has the time management abilities of a mayfly (party now, die later). 

Anyway, we had to wake my brother up and put him on balloon blowing duty before he even had time to have a coffee or wash his face. I was blowing up those really big number ones that stand up, luckily we had a bike pump but it still took ages and my arms and legs were exhausted. We went in our PJs to the hotel to set everything up and we made it just in time. It was close!

Post-birthday disaster, I spent a long time getting files together to make OG Xbox games run on the 360 and it worked! I love the homebrew community. We started Halo 2 and played quite a bit of it, it's pretty awesome, especially when we got to play as the Arbiter! Can you believe this shit wasn't spoiled to me until 2025? That's wild. I guess if you haven't played Halo 2 yet I kinda spoiled it for you though. Hopefully you weren't looking to play Halo 2...

On Tuesday I went grocery shopping, I'm still so nervous about asking about the night-shift job... it's so stupid! It's literally the moment of walking up to someone and asking... it's killing me. I haven't applied for a job face-to-face in years and for some reason I feel like I can't do it. I'm so much more approachable on paper. I guess I'm telling you this so I can be held at least a little accountable... I've got to do this before Christmas when everything closes shop. I must! Otherwise I'll get stuck doing a service job I don't like. Again...

Otherwise, some more of our friends gave us a small but still working TV that will be in my room for now: I'm gonna hook that baby up to my DVD player. More on how that went later in the post...

Heehee.

On Wednesday I had to pick my sister up from school. Terrible. Kids just be staring at you. One of them was polite and said hello, like ten others just glared at me. I felt really bad for them because one of the teachers/management people wouldn't let them wait inside for school to be out and they were all huddled outside, being cold. I know that lady was kind of a bitch too because my sister told me that no one gets on with her and she's pretty rude to the kids, I know this much gossip at least.

A very tiny old lady showed up at our door too. Apparently it was a local volunteer that was supposed to have the first French speaking class with my mum and sister today... but my mum must have totally forgot about it and was not home when the lady showed up. I felt so bad asking her to re-schedule and offered her some tea or coffee but she didn't want any. She was okay with the change of plans, still it was painful to watch her return back to the cold streets, slowly hobbling away... RIP to my mum's memory this week.

On Thursday, it was my gran's b-day! When she was done partying with her friends she had a moment to call with us. It would be amazing if she could be with us next year but the future sucks and is uncertain and she lives very far away...

Later, I was checking in on my site when I saw I had some new messages in the chatbox. Someone said they found my site through a video. It's surreal... I'm sure many peeps in the indie web space have seen some of Luvstarkei's videos about the old web revival whether it's them checking out Neocities sites or Spacehey pages. Anyway, guess this is my 15 minutes because they visited my site and featured in a video, I even got space on the thumbnail. So strange and cool!

I engage with lots of my Neo-neighbours, so I know they're out there and since it's not normal soc-med, I'm almost certain they are real people TM, but it still feels weird to know people really do browse... look at... and read stuff on my site. Anyway, Luvstar was very nice and I'm gonna get their button on my site during my next big button update. 

On Friday I did some boring file management stuff. My data hoarding is slowly getting out of control. But I do really need all that data, trust me. I started Jade Empire on the Xbox, it's very cool. I obviously picked Wu the Lotus Blossom.

My beloved!! T-T

On Saturday I spent a lot of time trying to get the Sanyo DVD/CD player to work with the TV. And I sort of did. I got picture, I got sound, but for some reason... no dialogue? The movie and trailers play but without any of the talking. I could not fuck with the settings of the player as it's remote is MIA. That also meant I couldn't do anything in the movie menu except press play. I don't think I'll come across a spare Sanyo remote anywhere, I couldn't even find any info for this player online, which really bugged me. It still works perfect as a CD sound system regardless. I did get this out of the whole ordeal though:

Worth it? Fuck yes.

In the evening we went to Tom's. He's moved from his garage to a corner of the living room where his mum set up a TV for us and brought us snacks too. She's so sweet. Because Tom is a disgusting boy he was obviously annoyed at his mum's care. Typical!

I kid, we started a Tales game that I already forgot the name of. A girl with red hair has asthma in it or something. We then moved on to some Black Ops II zombies. It was fun as hell even though I forgot how bad I am at this game mode. On the way back home we had time to appreciate some of the decorations the town put up. Crisp, frosty air, a big moon, and the warm flicker of the fairy lights!

Boo!

I played a lot more Jade Empire when I got home. I'm really enjoying it, much more than when I played the first Mass Effect as a kid. But honestly, my judgement could be really clouded by the fact that I was a dumb baby... Sorry, Bioware.

He sits so strangely!!

On Sunday I finally started the Ironsworn campaign I had on the backburner with my mum, sister, and brother. We're doing like a family DnD thing. My mum was confused for most of it until we let her make the elf girl Mary Sue character of her dreams, I've never seen her this whimsical and imaginative. She was just making stuff up on the spot, winging it. My brother committed to the bit as usual, told his character's backstory with unique voices for all the parties involved and so on. My sister struggled between picking a werewolf, vampire, and fairy. I said she could be all three but apparently that was too crazy. I'm gonna draw their characters at some point so you guys can see this circus of a party.

End of the week.

This Week I'm Excited For...

To start my digital advent, to see other people's digital advents. And to try my tea advent! Man, advent... what a weird word. Say that 10 times. Advent, advent, advent, advent...

Song Of The Week...

When I was on Luvstar's site I saw a very cool banner for a band called Mad Routine, I listened to one their latest EPs, Pool Party. Oh my god, if you guys liked After, this is just as nostalgic and good but even tripper and hoppier. Trip hop is general has been strange for me this year because I had no idea that's what it was called. When I was a kid it was everywhere but I just assumed it was pop, or chill pop. But it's it's own thing. I prefer the girliness of After more myself but Mad Routine are awesome and if you guys like a little 2000s style rap in your pop they should be right up your alley. It's an amazing year for white girl-guy 2000's pop revival duos, man. Here is their song 'trip'.

I Hate Being Vulnerable {Week 47}

We're running out of autumn. Fortunately, winter is my 2nd favourite season so the next few months will be amazing anyway. Where I live it barely goes below zero so it's honestly not that cold... there's no snow for example. Trying to act like I don't care, I'm really resisting the urge to give into childish grumpiness that there's no snow...

I didn't have a particularly busy week but I did get a few things out of the way which was pretty good, I like to celebrate my most minute victories. For any planner-heads, I've been trying out a little different thing: I've added some lines to make it easier to keep track of the to-dos. We'll see if it yields any results.

Week 47.

Monday I had a meeting with a social worker who was supposed to reach out to ME but due to some very recent changes in the law they were no longer responsible for handling my case. No one told me that however. I feel like a child of divorce... totally left out of the conversation. It's alright, we sorted it all out but I'm back to waiting. I have to find the courage to go to our local big box store and ask them about the night shift job and if there's any available slots. That would be the dream...

Caught!

On Tuesday my period started in the middle of the night but luckily my brother was still awake so he got me all my meds and a hot water bottle/bag, whatever those things are called. It's like the only pain relief that works. Sometimes I wish I just had some sort of communication channel with my body, like an emergency button on a train: I'm not ever having a baby! Give it up! Anyway, here's my cats being nice to each other.

On Wednesday we finally finished Dead Space. It's so so good. It's one of the many games I tried when I was a small child and never finished either because I was too scared or just really bad at the game. But I really love a lot of about the way the game is designed: the Ishimura, Isaac's RIG, the easy way to know where to go via the guidance system, the political-religious intrigue, and loads of other stuff. It goes so gradually and perfectly from survival horror with monsters to being trapped in a psychological and mystical terror beyond the human comprehension. Fuck, it's a damn good game! I have to pick up the remake while it's on sale on Steam.

On Thursday I kept suffering... but I lived! Friday was way better and my friend V's birthday. I texted her but she still hasn't texted me back. She does that a lot but I'm getting a little worried for her as she's been having issues switching jobs since this summer. 

On Saturday, Tom's mum, Natalie drove with us to a thrift store that we've never been to. It's a little bigger and totally indoors, kind of what I imagine a Goodwill is like. The prices were a little higher than what I usually like but it still wasn't that crazy. I picked up a bunch of really cute stuff (I'll be posting about it on finnymemo soon) and we had a good time with Natalie, chatting it up in French. I took pics of stuff I liked but forgot to take pics of the actual store... for next time! At home we watched Didi which everyone enjoyed which meant my brother had to make us watch something ass and probably involving Ryan Gosling. So we started The Gray Man.

On Sunday we had a pretty relaxing morning finishing The Gray Man and doing some serious French vocab study. I'm running military drills on these bozos known as my family who are not expanding their vocabulary.

A fella we're feeding.

Later in the day my friend Tom came over and I'm afraid that we have now finally cemented our friendship for all eternity in a very bizarre way that means a lot to me ... he has seen my website...and my art. I really, really, really hate showing people I know in real life my web presence, with a few exceptions. I don't have a good reason... but part of it is that I'm scared they won't get it or they'll judge me for being so late into my 20s and being so bad at everything I do. When I tell people I'm an illustrator I'm always afraid that they have someone much more talented in mind than who I turn out to be. So, I showed him some of my art and I was so anxious the entire time he was there and when he left and my reaction felt pretty stupid. Can't help myself though.

We were in my room in the first place because we needed to get a version of Diablo 3 that worked and since we were waiting so long for the download he asked to see my art and whatever. I don't think I ever voluntarily show my art to people until I'm asked and recently I've been even hesitant when asked. It's weird! Because when it comes to posting into the void, or even to people I know online, it feels like there's a layer of understanding that is automatic so I post shit willy-nilly. But if a person I can see with my own eyes asks... I'm fully frozen. Petrified. Basically, I just can't believe what stuff I'm over and have no reaction to and what stuff leaves me so vulnerable and grossed out by myself. Wack!

I don't know how to feel about any of it... he was his usual self, I'm sure it was just me being weird. I think it's a really normal thing, to show people you know your work or hobbies, but to me it feels like an interrogation. I guess in a way it's good that this hurdle is behind me. 

In more news, I've been obsessed with this clip/AMV made for Dead Space 3 with Deftones' Tempest. The part where Isaac comes out from behind the crashed ship and the burning fire pops into the corner of the screen just as the drums and guitars kick into high gear? Better than sex. I have missed the classic 2008-2012 YouTube AMV madness that used to be all the rage and this really felt like a piece of that.

Anyway, that's it for this week. Some more exciting things planned soon, hopefully I will figure out how to make OG Xbox games work on my 360 and eventually I may also figure out the issue with the 1 install, 1 play discs as well. It's been a hassle. I feel like I may make a whole guide that's like, "So you have a Winchester 360... Here's how to play all the games."

Goodbye.

This Week I'm Excited For...

Next week, on Thursday, will be my grandma's birthday. It sucks to celebrate it without her here but we'll still call her and see who she had over, what kind of food she had, and all that.

Song Of The Week...

Since I've been listening to it non-stop this week, the song of the week is Tempest by Deftones. I just... I just fucking love Koi No Yokan, I don't care if it's not their best album, it's my favourite. Sure, you heard it in the clip above but it's shorter and pretty low quality. So have another listen here:

Woes... {Week 46}

Hey guys. So... here's me trying to catch up. Seems two weeks late is my magic number, I really start to feel the fire under my ass right about then. I really don't want to abandon this blog, it makes me happy to write barely legible bullshit and read the very nice and literate comments I receive. 

Do you guys know that you're as good as people studying ancient languages and cryptography. You may as well be because I have no idea what the fuck I'm writing. This is to say I'll probably keep being late but I'll stick to it as long as I can.

Week 46.

Week started weird. I realized the date the social worker gave me didn't match up with the right day of the week that she said we'd meet on. Been agonizing about making a simple phone call to confirm. It's getting absurd. I get annoyed about these dumb stereotypes that Gen Z folk are so sensitive and have social anxiety about everything... but I kind of do. I'm a very old Gen Z, when I was a teenager I had both crippling self-hatred and endless arrogance on my side. I could go and ask people for answers and stuff. Sometime during the pandemic I lost this skill. The fear of calling is amplified by the fact that my French is clearly very broken. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe as a generation we are more averse to social interactions with strangers but it's not solely on us, the world's changed too. I don't know why but even many of the more 'people-oriented' generations are now so hostile. 

Does not work as a public servant.

As an immigrant you come across both the kindest, warmest and understanding public servants who are there because they specifically had a calling to help people like you. You also come across some... special folk. 

First, the serial ladder-puller: I ran across a lady in the Prefecture that was clearly from where I'm from, I could just tell by her accent. She was really rude and even threatened to call the police because I was in the Prefecture with my brother to help him translate, a practice many others do too. I wasn't allowed to stand near him at the booth, something we were never told before and we'd been to the Prefecture like ten times at that point. I just can't imagine making a life for myself in a foreign country and then looking down at my fellow countrymen when they do the same but it's a common phenomena.

Then there's just the person that's clearly in the wrong profession. Obviously I've never been a social worker so I can't say what exactly one is made of but I'd have to guess empathy is integral. One of our first social workers threatened my mum that her welfare would be cut off (before she even was on welfare and was still working) and was very annoyed when we asked her for help with registering on certain government sites, kind of the main feature of her job. I don't think she liked helping people, so maybe social work wasn't her niche. I would advise she work at the bank instead. 

Sorry to harp on about these very specific issues but it's been my life since... well, forever. If you're also a foreigner living outside your country, especially if you're a non-American or non-European moving to America or Europe, I'm sure you can relate to some of this. I've definitely met more helpful and empathetic people working with immigrants than those that weren't but the bad apples really try to overshadow any good experience. I'm not even close to the end of the road with all this business but when I think about where I was only 2 years ago, I feel like I've fought a leviathan!

On Tuesday we went to Tom's gamer garage and played some more Eternal Sonata. I don't know how this silly bitch will make it through the winter, the garage has no heating or insulation at all. 

On Wednesday, my mum, sister, and brother left to another town for Government/Document Stuff TM. I had to drop by our family friend's house to let some roofers in. Half way to the grocery store I got a call from my mum: they needed scans of some bills urgently because her phone app was glitching out! I had to run all the way back only for her to call me back to tell me she got it working actually. Dammit! 

They bought me a ramune, I love!

I watched cartoons instead. Nothing like being home alone and watching some cartoons. So dumb but it took me back to when I'd come back from middle school, depending on the day I'd have to also maybe get my sister from pre-school, and put on some Adventure Time or 6teen or something. Veg out. 

I made cupcakes but they were so ugly I didn't take a picture. It was Yuka's birthday, so I texted her. I sent her a pic from the last year of high school and she said it was crazy that it's like 10 years ago. I thought she was fucking with me, we graduated high school in 2017 and that's only 8 years ago! Oh my god, it's basically 10 years ago...

Still full of hope...

On Thursday I stopped being a coward and made the call to the social worker. As usual all my doom-planning and stress led to a 1 minute long phone call that was clear, concise, and pleasant. Will I learn from this? Again... NO!! But maybe this is a message for people with the same social anxiety and more faith in themselves: that 90% of the time the phone call will go fine.

So we finally finished the first Halo this Friday. Yes, at age 26 I finished Halo, a game from like 2001. Honestly, it was pretty good. I used to think it looked pretty lame. I mean style wise it cannot hold up to Star Wars or Titanfall but it's still very fun. 

We used to be a society...

On Saturday I hunkered down and finally made some final decisions about the COTY calendar, after all, 2026 is literally almost here. I have May done and January sort-of done but there's still 10 months in the year... thanks a lot, Julius Caesar.

On Sunday we had a really busy day. We were invited out for a birthday lunch for one of our family friend's birthday. It was a fancy restaurant with an insanely long course menu.

In his Sunday best...not.

Afterwards we took a short walk to the canal. The autumn is gorgeous, leaves were falling so gracefully. Unlike the time before Halloween when I was walking through the park and a leaf fell at an insane speed and hit me right in the forehead.

Crunch crunch crunch.

Strange little building.

We got back home at about 4PM after which Tom came over, none of us were hungry at all but I promised him dinner so I warmed up yesterday's tonkatsu. We played some Blur then we hunkered down in MW3 and tried a load of game modes. The fucking juggernaut in that game is ridiculous. It is unkillable. Then we did some Halo multiplayer which was so fun, especially when we played Slayer in teams with the warthogs. The theater mode should exist in every game honestly. We spent so long just looking at our own dumb ass shenanigans.

And that was that. I usually feel more energized in October and November but this has been a weird month. Good in many ways but it feels like I don't even have time to appreciate the things that go right. Guess that's just the way and I should probably catch up already. 

The end!

This Week I'm Excited For...

I need to rename this segment to 'This Week I Dread/ Can't Wait For This Thing To Be Over...'. I have my appointment with the social worker on Monday so that. I just want to know what to do next at this point.

Song Of The Week...

I have gone to a place I haven't been in years. A teen hideout where I found most of my listening tastes circa. 2012-2016. BIRP! I haven't listened to much indie pop/rock/folk for a while but that was really my jam before. I've been getting through the 2009 November playlist specifically and there are many tracks I could pick out but for some reason it was New Roman Times' Smoke In Your Disguise that really stuck out to me this week. I'll hopefully post a link to a playlist featuring my fave tracks from this list specifically.